Of Giggles and Cancer

(Note: I wrote this a long time ago but I feel like it needs to be shared for any future posts to make sense.)


"Breathing comes in pairs, except for twice. One begins and one's goodbye"-The Fray

The past month has been one of extreme joy, fear, and faith. Penelope has brought more joy to my life and love to my heart then I knew a human being was capable of. I was scared to see her leave the newborn stage but have finally settled into the wonder of watching a individual grow. It is amazing! Justin and I have been sent a person, a real life person, to raise and take care of. She will grow up and get married and have children and grandchildren and the world will be different because she was here. We asked for her and she was given to us. It is so bizarre and wonderful, like rain when the sun is shining. You are happier than you have ever been but everyday have moments that draw your mind to the immense responsibly you have. My actions could help this little girl become a Mother Teresa or a Ke$sha. Let us hope for the former. 

Penelope gets more wonderful everyday. She is one of the most delightful children I have ever experienced. I babysat and worked as a nanny growing up so, I know babies. She smiles and babbles all day. She has such a sweet and gentle personality. She cries only when she has not gotten what she needs for a very long time. (Like when she got hungry and tired and we were stuck in traffic). Her favorite thing is to sit in my lap facing me and babble and babble and babble some more. We spend many a hour doing this. She has also gained a love of playing on her play mat. This is a wonderful development and coincided with both my hair and make-up being done for church. Yay!  She loves to stand on your lap and climb up your body. Today, I was greeted at the door by Justin holding Penelope's hands while she walked across the floor smiling her big huge smile.She loves to be sung to and will sing with you. To bad Justin and I are both terrible singers. Oh well, she had piano playing fingers and maybe someone else can teach her to sing. She loves to read books and will sit there while you read them over and over.

Here are the stats from her last check up, ya know, like a month ago. Hair, make-up and blogging. I am figuring out how to get stuff done. 

Weight 12.4 lbs 

Height 24 inches

Head 15 3/4 inches 

She is a growing girl. She is tall and skinny still. She just started fitting into her 0-3 month pants. Thank goodness is so warm since all her newborn pants still fit but are just capris.

Justin amazes me with how much he has grown and is totally not afraid of anything. He knows what to do and tells me what Penelope wants before I catch it. It's been a blast. Although, last night she slept the whole night, 10:30pm-7:30am and she normally wakes up to eat before I go to work. I hoped she would stay alseep but she didnt and she would not take the bottle. She cried for 30 mins till Justin was able to finally get here calmed down and a little food in her. I came home to her smiling and Justin saying "I'm about wore out as a lady can get". If you don't know the reference watch this video. 

The other half of my life is so strange to me. My Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer on Feb. 21st 2012. It still does not feel real to type it. He was in a car accident at the begining of February. He had a serious car accident 3 years before so eveny though he was fine they suggested he go to the ER and get checked out. They basically X-rayed his entire body. They sent him home with a clean bill of health. He went to the chiropractor to help with soreness and when he brought her his X-rays she noticed a dark spot on his lung and recommended he have it examined further. Two hospitals, many doctors appointments, and an exploratory surgery he was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of lung cancer that had spread to his lymph nodes and ,we later found out, his trachea placing him at stage 3a. It has been a whirlwind of emotion, prayers, and fear. This is scary stuff. I appreciate everyone's prayers and concern for my family. You have no idea how much  your thoughts, kind words, and prayers mean to us. We are determined to beat this no matter what.

This has made me so grateful for my Dad and all that he has done for and taught me. 

"Getting kinda chubby. I'm just saying, cause I love you"

Happy one month to Penelope! 

I can't believe how fast she is growing and changing. I keep asking her not to grow up but she is not very obedient. The last month has been a whirlwind of learning, diapers, naps, and messes. Most of all it has been so much fun!

Fresh newborn to sassy one month old

We call her Sweet P and she really is just the sweetest baby.

The first 2 weeks home from the hospital were pretty easy and after that we had to learn how to respond to her more quickly. She eats like a pig and I feel like I spend 28 hours a day nursing. I'm not really sure how my day has 4 more hours than yours but it does. I love nursing her and she loves it too. When I go to tutoring in the morning, Justin feeds her with a bottle but the effect is just not the same. Don't get me wrong, she is not picky enough that she would actually turn down food but she is always so happy to see me when I get back. Speaking of eating, I am currently eating an Andes mint ice cream sandwich and it is off the charts wonderful. Anyway, my favorite thing about nursing is when she growls and then attacks for more food like a lion stalking it's prey. I laugh really hard every time. 

She really likes baths as long as the water is hot. I tried the whole warm thing and that only ended in tears. I also washed off her blonde baby hair one night. She still has her black, real hair in the back. We like to refer to it as: 40 year old man who lives in his mother's basement in the front, PARTY in the back! Basically, I need more headbands and bows.

She has a tutu in every size till she is 2. First time at church!

She is a super chill baby and just likes hanging out. She really only cries if she is tired and that is quickly remedied with a swaddle me. We are so so so grateful for the swaddle mes Justin's Mom got us. She will start to really cry until she hears the velcro then she smiles and gets really calm. I hope that it does not cause her to have a love for straight jackets when she is older, thus causing her to feel most comfortable in a mental institution.

Her favorite place is on our bed, between Justin and I. Morning family cuddle time is a must and it is usually followed by morning family doze. We have discovered that this is the only way for us to both get showers in the morning. She passes out like a log and we quietly take turns cuddling with her while the other gets ready. Haha babies are so easy to trick.

Watching a show with Dad

We took her to the doctor after one week and she already gained back almost all the weight she lost when she was born.  They usually do a 2 week weight check but the doctor said she looked so good there was no need. I was anxious to see how much weight she gained at her one month check-up. Justin had to work and the car was in the shop so my Mom took us.

She weighed 8lbs 1 oz at birth and now weighs 10lbs 1 oz
She was 21 inches at birth and is now 21 3/4 inches
Her head was 13 inches at birth and is now 15 3/8 inches

The doctor said she thought her eyes would stay blue! Her eyes were so dark when she was born and they have just turned the most beautiful shade of blue. The doctor thought that they would stay blue or turn green but she did not see any brown in them. She also got the second part of her hep B vaccine.  My Mom was totally freaking out and almost had to leave the room. Penelope cried, of course, and my Mom just kept saying "Doesn't that just break your heart!?" I hated to see her like that but I didn't cry and I think my Mom thought I was a little heartless for it. She justified it by saying "You are the mom, you have to be strong. I am the grandma, I don't".
Penelope calmed down in less than a minute but I think it took my Mom a lot longer to recover.

Apparently, she likes dressing up as much as her father.
I foresee some unbearable Halloweens in our future

I have decided that I need a nice camera because I am only able to use my iphone and it is just not doing it for me. Although, I usually have it with me so I take a thousand low quality pictures a day. One major problem with my iphone is that my case is black and white stripes. Babies at this age love things that are black and white for developmental reasons. When Penelope does anything adorable and I put it up in front of her face, she immediately gets a blank, focused stare. The same thing happens with my black and white polka dotted wallet. It may ruin my super cute pictures but that wallet has calmed her down during many a meltdown. She loves to talk and will parrot back noises.

Here is our exchange of her favorite sound "Oh"

This week, she has grown up so much. She holds her head up really well. She has to sit in my lap and does not lay back anymore unless she is sleepy or hungry. There is to much to see! This week she is also mastering sucking her fingers when she gets upset in the car. She is becoming very dexterous and finding her way underneath my shirt any chance she gets. She has started sleeping 6-7 during the night. If she goes down around midnight, I get a good night sleep!

One of Justin's favorites. Photo by Leah Sidwell

We are totally smitten with her. She probably gets kissed a 500 times a day and that is not an exaggeration. She smiles after each time, especially when Justin does it. He always wants her right next to him and has to kiss her 15 times before I put her in the bassinet for the night. We are completely in love with this little girl!

Penny Pincher

Justin and have been super frugal for first time parents. This is mostly due to the fact that Justin is the cheapest miser I have ever met and I live to make him happy. I don't think we bought a single thing for Penelope full price. All of her diapers even came from ebay (brand new of course). Justin shudders at the thought of paying 12 cents or more per diaper. I decide I wanted a Moby wrap but I knew there was no way in hades I could convince Justin I needed a piece of $45 fabric. I did a lot of research and ended up with 2 handmade mobys for $5.25. Justin was impressed and I felt victorious that I could be the bargain hunting wife. Here is how it went down.

I started out with this book

Justin got this for  50 cents. It's by Andrea Sarvady 

It has a ton of great info on swaddling, slings, and moby-like wraps. I tried the sling first, which worked great when she was asleep but not so great when my curious child was awake.

She has to see everything

All you need for this sling is a 2-3 yards of fabric standard 45"in width. Cotton works well, you don't want anything stretchy. Mine is a silky fabric I found at Goodwill for $1.00. You can hem the ends if you want or need to. Fold it in half lengthwise. Take the ends around your body and tie a double knot at your shoulder. The fabric should rest just above your hip. Slide a newborn inside the pocket or set an older child's bottom in the pocket with their legs on either side of you hip. I wore her to the Mindy Gledhill concert this way. It was great because, to baby Penny, it felt like I was holding her without all the pressure on my arms. She slept through the whole thing.

We got better with practice and a swaddle me to restrain her arms

The sling is nice but I needed something more hands free and the moby wrap was calling my name. I did a lot of research on the internet and the book had some good advice too. The most important thing is the fabric. Something with give but that is not super stretchy. A jersey knit works well. I just went to the discounted fabric section in Wal Mart and started pulling on the fabric until I found one that would work. You want something soft and breathable. The fabric I chose was a cotton, spandex, silk blend in a pale grey blue. It was a $1.50 a yard. The Moby wrap is 5.5 meters long (or a little over 18 feet for you american, non-science folk). The book suggested 3-4 yards of fabric. I did not want to have to wrap it around me a million times so I went with 4 yards to take out the bulk. I asked for 3 1/2 yards but they lady just gave me the rest and good thing she did because 4 yards was just perfect. Depending on your size you will need more or less.

When I got home I realized it was bigger than standard width. Meaning I was going to get 2 for $5.25! My fabric also ended up being prone to unraveling. If you get standard width fabric that will not unravel you are pretty much done. I took mine to my Mom's house and she ended up just doing this next part for me. I was really grateful because I had a very needy baby at the time.

Done! She loves it

She cut the fabric down the middle and then surged all the way around. You can just hem the ends if your fabric is standard width for a cleaner look. The Moby wrap has tapered ends to take even more of the bulk out. We opted to just leave ends with a straight edge because it ended up not making that much of a difference. I am also going to put a tag in the middle of mine like the Moby. It is difficult to line everything up evenly when you wrap without it, especially if you want the knot to end up on your hip instead of at your back.

That is pretty much it. I have a renewed determination to never pay full price for anything! Justin has been so good at teaching me the difference between want and need. Although, I try not to tell him my wants because they become his needs. I have always been a good bargain hunter but now I am learning what is important. I had the mentality that as long as I had enough money it was alright to get whatever I wanted. Now, I am learning to save in the times of plenty so my family never has to want for the important things during times of famine. I love the feeling of taking care of my family. I love it more than anything I may want in the moment. I guess you could say I love pinching pennies, especially this little Penny's cheeks!

So happy!

Baby makes three

Please be aware that this post contain material that is disturbing to some people. Please proceed with caution. For those of you who choose not to proceed just know I had a baby and she is cute. 

I held off writing after my last post because I was really sure I would be going into labor any second. Little did I know that it will be 20 more days before this lovely lady would enter into the world. I was due December 12th 2011. I went to the midwife, who checked the baby's heart rate and fluid and both were very good. They felt like everything was safe so we waited for that magic moment when true labor would begin. I had had a few contractions but nothing that lasted.

I tried everything to go into labor, walking miles and miles, walking with one foot on the curb and one foot on the street, eating a huge salad with gorgonzola cheese, evening primrose oil for weeks, jumping off of chairs, running, eating plates of jalapeno covered nachos, you name it I tried it. With the exception of castor  oil, many people suggested it but I knew so many who had tried it without success that it was just not worth it. 

Fast forward to the day before Christmas eve, I was at my last appointment. Nothing has happened, nothing is moving, and I am very pregnant. My midwife asked me if I would be interested in a c-section. I said no, I wanted to do everything naturally and I cried when I had to get my blood drawn. Slicing open my abdomen was not very appealing. We decided that if she did not come over the weekend I would be induced on Monday night.

Relaxing in my Christmas sweater

Christmas was relaxing and uneventful when you consider labor as a possible activity. Nothing happened except stuffing myself to the point of pain, which is not very hard to do at 42 weeks. Monday afternoon, we called the hospital for a time to come in. When we talked this over with the midwife she explained that we would try and medicine to get me to dilate and efface first and that this sometimes made you go into labor. She also made it seem like they would monitor me for a little while and then I would go home and sleep and come back in the morning. Well. we called the hospital for a time to come in and they wanted us there right away. So off we went in a rush, thinking we would be back a little while later.

Right before we left. Biggest day of my life,  in so many ways

When we arrived at the hospital, they put me in a gown and had me start signing my life away. We were there for good, Justin and I buckled in and prepared for everything that would come next. The nurses were shocked that I had never had any experience in a hospital before. I tried to be cool about everything but I was terrified. When they put in my saline lock for the IV, my nurse looked all up and down my arms and then went and got another nurse who had been there since before I was thought of came in and looked at both arms, tried several turnicate things, slapped my arms and then asked me "Why did you leave your veins at home?" Add that to the list of the top 10 most comforting phrases I have ever heard in my life.But seriously, she was super nice and got me laughing to distract me. She promised that they would not make me a pin cushion and wrapped my arms in hot towels and called IV therapy. The IV therapist also spent a great deal of time inspecting my arms only to confirm that I have no veins. After vigorous slapping and many hot towels, she found one in my hand and got me good to go with only one stick. I was impressed and so so grateful.

Showing off my bling and my saline lock. I felt so brave.
This is the only bling I could wear considering my fingers were a full 3 sizes larger than normal.

That night I slept and in the morning they checked me. I had progress a whole 1/2 a cm and was now effaced 80%. Needless to say, I was a little discouraged. Around 8am they started me on pitocin, which I had heard horror stories of. And boy were they right that makes things a heck of a lot harder. I spent the whole day breathing through my contractions and hanging out with Justin and my Mom. Every time the nurses would ask me what my pain level was I always said 1-2 numbers lower so they would not think I was a pansy.(Because labor is the time to impress people with your pain tolerance skills) By the time afternoon rolled around, my contractions were really picking up. I decided to wait for the midwife to see how much I had progressed. I was really in a lot of pain at this point. I knew going into an induction that the odds of me achieving my dream of a natural childbirth was basically 0%. The pain was at a point that I had to completely focus on it. Justin and my mom took turns rubbing my hands and helping me through it. Everyone kept telling me what a good job I was doing. I just sat there thinking "Don't you people know I am about to lose it?" and "I can't believe I am about to lose it over this. It's not even that painful". Justin was very concerned for me the whole time and I could tell he was having a hard time watching me in pain.

We are laughing because I just finished a really bad contraction and Justin said "She better not be ugly after all of this."
Also, I look a hot mess. 

If I get a cold Justin stays next to me all day just in case I happen to die. I could tell as supportive as he was being, he was worried. I decided I could only go through 12 more contractions at this rate.A random number but that is what I decided in my mind. I got up to go to the bathroom and said a prayer asking what I should do. I felt very strongly that I should get an epidural. I was scared of being confined to a bed and that whole huge needle thing but I went ahead and got it anyway. It was not fun getting it but it was so relieving. I was still able to move and feel my legs. I felt the same except no pain. I actually thought my contractions had stopped until they told me I was have some really heavy ones. Justin looked like Christmas had come again. He was so relieved to see me out of pain. The midwife came to check on me and told me that I was dilated to a 3 and 90% effaced. This was after she had broken my water and 10 hours on pitocin. I was a little distraught but decided to buckle in and reset my mind for the possibility that this baby might not even come today.

Everything was going along until the nurse said the baby's heart rate was dropping and put me on some oxygen. She told me not to worry because it was most likely because of the side I was laying on. I flipped over and the baby seemed to do fine. My nurse seemed so unconcerned I did not even think about it. I was able to take off the oxygen and felt a lot better. My Mom went to go talk to my Dad for a few mins. He had been waiting in the waiting room for most of the day. My nurse went to call the midwife. All of a sudden the charge nurse came flying in and put me back on oxygen and began flipping me over to the other side. The baby was struggling, her heart rate dropped from 155 to 90bpm. Justin and I began to worry a lot. I wanted my Mom to come back in. My nurse came back and they stopped the pitocin. My midwife came in and said that the baby was in distress and that I was so far away from being ready to deliver they needed to do an c-section. I started bawling. She told me to please not be disappointed. Many women feel like they have failed after having a c-section. I just felt terrified that I was about to get sliced open. My Mom had come in right as the midwife was breaking the news. I explained to her what was happening. Justin broke down and my Mom looked like she did not know who to hug first. He told me he was so sorry over and over again. I tried to look brave and tell him it would be alright and that I was fine.

Everyone was doing their best to help us feel comfortable. The anesthesiologist came in and he was a very funny guy. He decided we could just use my epidural. I was more than concerned due to the fact that I could still feel everything but he promised me that I would not feel the surgery. They whisked everyone away and rolled me into the OR. It was the strangest feeling. I have never felt so helpless as they lifted me off the bed and onto the table. They began prepping me and Justin came in with the midwife. She asked me if we had a camera. I told her my Mom did and she said "I will go get it". She was amazing and took pictures of everything. I would have regretted not having those first moments so much. I asked the anesthesiologist one more time "Are you sure I won't feel anything?" To which he replied "They already started".

Justin keeping me distracted. I am clearly drugged

It was all very quick after that. When they gave me the epidural I began shaking and shivering (Apparently and normal side effect. I did not feel normal). I think all of my scared requests made the doctor a little heavy handed. Normally your block only comes up to your chest. I could not feel up to my shoulders and I could only feel half of my arms. I was shaking like crazy during the surgery. The baby was crooked and they said her head was big. They had to vacuum her out. They all started telling me to look up so I could see her when they got her out.

My first view of my child

When they held her up all I saw was a giant screaming, slimy, purple, round thing. My initial reaction was "Oh no, she is ugly. You have to love her anyway". They called Justin over to cut the cord and look at her while they got me cleaned up. Here are some pictures of things that I had no idea were happening.

Life is so much harder out here

A little pick me up after all the distress

They brought her over for me to hold before they took her up to the nursery. Im pretty sure if you have to have you internal organs put back in place and your abdomen stapled shut there is no better distraction than a brand new baby. My arms were so numb from the epidural I was so afraid I would drop her but I did not tell them that because I was even more afraid they would not let me hold her. I cried and looked at her hands with her long fingers (A feature I lack that has held me back in my musical endeavors). I said "Oh Justin, she can play the piano!"She was so beautiful and I loved her without having to make myself. She was rooting from the first second she entered this world. I wanted to feed her but knew I would have to wait. After and few minutes, Justin and Penelope went up to the nursery while they finished sewing me up. Apparently, the doctor had a really cool staple gun that stapled sutures and not staples. Well, the anesthesiologist thought it was cool. I thought it was a lot cooler after they told me everything dissolved and I would not have to have anything removed later. He started wheeling me out the OR and then realized he has no idea what room I was supposed to be going to. After sitting halfway in the hallway while he made a phone call, we were on our way. They took me to my recovery room and my Mom slipped in. She told me she was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen. My nurse was really nice and let my Mom talk to me until the charge nurse came in and pushed her out. They said no one could see me for an hour. I was miserable. I was shaking so violently and I could only feel certain parts of my body. They had these leg compression things on my legs to prevent blood clots but it was not until the next morning that I realized they were on both legs. I lay there thinking "I don't think I can do this. I could never do this again. I can never have more kids because I might have to have another c-section and I can't experience this ever again". I used my fail proof survival tactic of sleeping to cope.

The gang waiting for me

Penelope Loree Skinner. Born at 6:42pm 8lbs 1oz 21
inches long

What seemed like a few seconds later I heard my Mom again. She asked if Justin could come into see me. I found out later that Justin was trying to be a good new dad but was worried sick about me. His Mom had called my Mom to see if she could get him in. My Mom waited till, in her words, "The mean nurse left" and then darted in. It had almost been an hour so she decided it was close enough. Justin came in and I was so happy to have him with me. He told me she was 8lbs 1oz and 21 inches long and that she was real hungry. He told me she knew his voice and would look over every time he spoke.I was still shaking a little and I felt so cold even though I had a million blankets. They finally brought her in and put her in my arms. That was the first time I felt warm since the epidural went in and I was able to relax.

She smiled when she heard my voice! Also, that is my headband not a piece of colored hair.
 I always follow the honor code even during childbirth.

We are a happy family

Justin is still wearing his surgery hat because he wanted to.
I think it was the only time in his life where a do-rag would be acceptable

She was desperate to eat, (something that has not changed) and we made a stellar nursing team from the get go. I was so happy and we got to have some bonding time. Every nurse that came in told me what a smiley baby she is. Every said she was just so beautiful and the pediatrician said "I have seen a lot of babies and yours is so so beautiful. I don't say that to everyone." I decided they probably always said things like that but I pretended they didn't because I think she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. 

I was so nervous that my recovery would prevent me from enjoying my first few days as a mother but it was so much easier than I thought. They had me stand up the next morning and my nurse was so surprised with how easy it was for me. I thought I was going to be in a lot more pain. Of course I had a morphine drip and then after the IV came out a 600mg Ibuprofen is whatsup. They also gave me percocet but that did not really do anything for me. We stayed in the hospital till Friday afternoon. It was a long stay but we were grateful for the rest. We gathered ourselves together and headed out. 

None of the newborn clothes we had fit her.
I have her pants folded and tucked into the back. Also check out the socks

Leaving the hospital was almost as traumatic as leaving the womb

We were welcomed back to our lovely home in Main Hall by my parents, who met us to help carry stuff in and brought dinner for us. When we went upstairs we found this from the Bouchelle family. My parents helped us get settled and take care of the blowout that happened in the car on the way home.

Love the Bouchelle family!
And the warm blanket from Auntie Brooke

My Dad is physically incapable of smiling for real in pictures.
You can tell he is really happy!

Three of the 4 generations of Lorees.
Cindy Loree, Lauren Loree, and Penelope Loree. We can't wait to go visit Drusilla Loree!

Later that night when we were relaxing she started to cry, Justin said " I wish we had a nurse to bring home with us." We both laughed and realized life would be very different but we would never want it any other way. It sounds really hokey but we love it. I even love her screaming face. I have no idea how to end this post except to say that these are so of my most cherished memories and I hope that one day I can give Penelope an idea of how she came to us and how she was more than worth it.